Fear & Self-loathing In Laughlin


2 o’clock in the morning is not a time, 2 o’clock in the morning is an event. Scratch that, if you are awake until 2 o’clock in the morning it is a time, but if you are walking by a rancid sounding alarm clock at 2 o’clock in the morning it is an event. I hate 2 o’clock in the morning, as an event that is. At times I hate myself. It’s not all the time, mind you, but it does happen. Most of the time “I” I most associate with, the “Game Day” I, is a pretty great dude, but that opposite, less “I” me, the “Dumped On Your Birthday” I is insufferable to be around. No, I didn’t get dumped on my birthday – keep up, it gets better. Anyway, I (Game Day I)say all of this because I am just returning from a vacation from my life.

It was not pretty.

I am gone a lot, from home I mean. It forces me to think, to face myself alone every day. It is my life’s typical state…I spend 60-80 hours or more of my 70-80 waking hours in four wheel solitary confinement.

No self-loathing or any of that, just laying it out for you; putting it in context for later use.

Usually, I take a week or so to come out of my funk and face the world as game day me. Most of the time I just pretend, when I am not actually on. This time though, it was like flipping a switch. No – more like turning on a flashlight – bright and focused.

I am not going to lie though, this was a rough one. I had some lows that felt like the bottom of a coffee can, which as you know is the ninth circle of hell – a life sans coffee. I try desperately not to take out my morose self-loathing on my family, who is always wonderful about it, but it still slips from time to time.

When I get this way – hopeless, listless and generally depressed, solitude is prison sentence. As of this moment, I am not suffering from the death throws of these dark sensations. This is only sharing, so save the wordy heart felt emails for another time, thanks.

I feel, for one reason or another, that after any significant absence from Facets, that I owe you an explanation. Funny, that – it is my life that revolves around these words I write, not yours, yet I feel like I owe an explanation anyway. So there it is, and I may even be back to expand on it some more…or not.

3 thoughts on “Fear & Self-loathing In Laughlin

  1. Maybe you feel as if you owe an explanation to yourself – not us as much. Our online blogs are merely (in most cases) conversations with ourselves. It almost feels as if there are 2 of me at times. Just a thought 🙂

    • I am sure it is something like that. I tend to “air out” my thoughts here. I guess I am trying to rationalize whatever it is I am dealing with lately. It’s off and on, but slowing down any progress on my writing. Frustration ensues…

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