Vows 2.0


Today, my wife and I celebrate 11 years of wedded bliss. We wrote our own vows, because we are artsy as fuck. She is still the cream in my coffee. Well, she is the butter in my coffee anyway – I don’t use cream.

To commemorate this special day, I have written a few new vows, now that I understand this marriage thing a little better than I did as a young pup.

To you, my dear wife, I promise to always put the toilet seat down and clean up any mess I might make while relieving myself in the middle of the night with my eyes closed. This I promise forevermore. Also to you, the beautiful mother of my children, I promise to never strangle one of them out of frustration even though you can just make more…Super easily.

On this day of joy, I promise you that I will always be at least this sexy, there may be a little bit more grey in the years to come. You said you liked that, you do still like the Silverback look, don’t you?

I promise to you my sweet, that I will never leave you for someone younger, unless she agrees to be my sugar momma and lavish me in a lifestyle more affluent than the one I am used to, and she agrees that you can come too. So I guess that means I’m not leaving, rather I am exploiting a younger woman in this senario.

I promise to always like your cooking, even when you make something that I think I can make better. I will never tell you that I can, I was simply wait until it is my turn to cook the same dish, and blow your fucking mind. You’re welcome baby.

I promise never to obsess over Final Fantasy VII again.

I promise never to spend a whole paycheck on crack cocaine ever again.

I will always give you the last piece of pizza. It’s still in the fridge taunting me as we speak. I may have to rethink this one.

I promise to make sexual advances toward you no less than 13 times a day, unless otherwise provoked.

I promise to tell you that you’re beautiful every time I see you.

I promise never to go to bed too mad to tell you I love you.

I promise I will be your shoulder to cry on, and only fight your battles when you need me to.

I promise I will love you this much for all of my days.

As always, if Hell was a place, and I knew you were going there I would hold your hand through the gates so you didn’t have to walk alone.

You are my shining light, a light the will not dim…

Here’s to another 11 years of good times, bad times, take out, bad horror movies, laugher, and love. It has been a blast beautiful. You truly rocked my world.

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