Hacking Life Hacks

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Over an illustrious career of being extremely lazy, I have cultivated a series of life hacks to save time. I hope they help you as much as they help me.

1. Turn your underwear inside out for days of extra use. Use body spray to eliminate problem odors.

2. Sleep in your work clothes, that way you can sleep for an extra hour. Shoes are optional, of course but I choose to leave them on.

3. Eat dessert first, in case you run out of room after dinner.

4. If you are ever spacing out when someone is talking to you, throw in a, “I know what you mean,” every once in a while. Seeming interested is better than actually being interested.

5. For extra energy, do meth.

6. If you can’t afford meth, get a BIG can of coffee, brew some up, then put said fresh brewed coffee where the water goes in your coffee pot and replace spent grounds with fresh ones. Repeat no more than three times. After the third time, your coffee buzz will distort the space-time continuum and you will inevitably travel through time. The double coffee technique has treated me well, use it wisely.

7. The same rule that applies to underwear also applies to socks. You’re welcome.

8. To get out of doing things you hate doing,  pretend you are terrible at them. People feel bad when making others do things they suck at.

9. Collect rocks, buy gold spray paint.  Eventually someone will buy your “gold nuggets.” If you feel like this is somehow cheating the system, remember that if some poor soul is willing to buy a gold spray painted rock, they won’t have money for long anyway.

10. If your spouse is giving you grief, run an add in the classified ads for a replacement. Casually leave it on the counter circled in red ink. There, that should keep ’em on their toes. Wait – never mind that last one. It will probably get you punched, or left stranded somewhere,  or both.

Use these life hacks in good health my friends, I know they save me minutes every year. Until next time remember:  always cheat the system.

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