10 Things I Told Myself I’d Never Say As An Adult


While being disciplined as a youngster, so many tactics and phrases were used to get my attention. Some of them drove me absolutely mad. Some I promised never to say. This is the list of those I said I’d never use, but did anyway.


10. My child’s full name as a threat. Just to be clear, my wife and I chose names for our kids that “yelled well.” The trick is multiple syllables by the way. Not only were we excited to continue this tradition if full name yelling, it was a full blown celebration.

9. Anything to do with farming money. This includes, but is not limited to, money growing on trees, bushes, shrubs, etc. I have only broken this oath a handful of times, but when it did happen…it was oddly satisfying.

8. Turn that stereo down. Having a prominent musical background, I never expected this to be an issue, however, Nicki Minaj is not my idea of a lullaby, so there.

7. You’re not leaving here dressed like that. Though this was never said to me directly, both girlfriends and sisters alike heard this one more than once in my presence. So, when it came out of my mouth the shock was audible. Damnit, I’m a fuddy duddy.

6. Who do you think you’re taking to? Now this I can clearly remember being on the short list of “things I’ll never say to my kids,” but it’s on the list so…there you go. Not only is it on the list, but if this were a sports team, it would probably be the MVP.

5. I’ll give you something to cry about. Not a frequent visitor to my lips, as I am not a fan of corporal punishment. With that being said, I can’t say I have never gone down that road and felt like a complete failure afterwards. I am a therapists wet dream…

4. You’re grounded. I remember talking on my phone with the extra long chord stretched into the laundry room telling my friends, “I’ll never ground my kids.” Well, that was a lie. Not only do I,  but we use their favorite things as currency for good behavior. My childhood self would be so ashamed.

3. Watch your mouth. Alright, how am I supposed to do that? Would you like me to take my eyes out and point them at my mouth.  I mean, jeez. Well, I say it, no matter how absurd.

2. That kid is a bad influence. Well, this one is questionable, since some of my friends in youth were interesting because they were delinquent, you know, teenage angst and whatnot.

1. When I was your age. Not only is this the most spoken phrase on the list of things I promised not to say as an adult, it is the one that I violated earliest. I can remember telling some wayward teen this very thing in my mid-twenties. I have no will power.

Well, there you have it. I say all the stuff I said I would never say. What are some things you promised you would never say as an adult to your kids?

2 thoughts on “10 Things I Told Myself I’d Never Say As An Adult

  1. Too funny! Several (ok, maybe nearly all) of these phrases have come out of my mouth in the short 8 years I have been a parent. Names that “yell well” – I love it.

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