It has been a while since I over-shared something about myself, so without further ado here it is. I overheard a little one practicing children’s songs on a flute from across the canyon near my work. The wind blew the sound to me like it was sharing someone innermost secrets, but it was only Twinkle Twinkle.
It was such a surprise that it pulled me out of my self-deprecating gloom for the briefest of moments.
It has been one of those days.
Every idea, every plan, every decision from the past, was a monumental fuck up today. I have been in such a good place lately too. I do not know where it came from or why I started, but it did and I couldn’t stand myself by 7am.
I started thinking about losing our son, and what became of me afterwards – see I didn’t know it at the time, but because I couldn’t deal with the pain of loss I lost my mind for a while. I walked away from a decent job and lost my mind in booze and pills. It has taken me years to accept the tragedy of that loss but I have, it is over, and we (me and my wife I mean) are stronger for it.
I couldn’t seem to shake it off today. The gloom of my mood hung heavy over everything I did today like a long shadow cast from far off headlights speeding out of town – running away from me. The headlights, not the mood. My writing felt like ass today too. I couldn’t string together a thought to save my life. It seems my vocabulary was driving the speeding car.
At least I am home now and this too shall pass…bitches. For those scrutinizers among you: this is not writing. Well, not really anyway – it’s sharing. Over-sharing at that.
Image courtesy of lifehacker.com