Fatal Flaws

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It has been a while since I over-shared something about myself, so without further ado here it is. I overheard a little one practicing children’s songs on a flute from across the canyon near my work. The wind blew the sound to me like it was sharing someone innermost secrets, but it was only Twinkle Twinkle.
It was such a surprise that it pulled me out of my self-deprecating gloom for the briefest of moments.

It has been one of those days.

Every idea, every plan, every decision from the past, was a monumental fuck up today. I have been in such a good place lately too. I do not know where  it came from or why I started, but it did and I couldn’t stand myself by 7am.
I started thinking about losing our son, and what became of me afterwards – see I didn’t know it at the time, but because I couldn’t deal with the pain of loss I lost my mind for a while. I walked away from a decent job and lost my mind in booze and pills. It has taken me years to accept the tragedy of that loss  but I have, it is over, and we (me and my wife I mean) are stronger for it.
I couldn’t seem to shake it off today. The gloom of my mood hung heavy over everything I did today like a long shadow cast from far off headlights speeding out of town – running away from me. The headlights, not the mood. My writing felt like ass today too. I couldn’t string together a thought to save my life. It seems my vocabulary was driving the speeding car.
At least I am home now and this too shall pass…bitches. For those scrutinizers among you: this is not writing. Well, not really anyway – it’s sharing. Over-sharing at that.

Image courtesy of lifehacker.com

9 thoughts on “Fatal Flaws

  1. Thanks for sharing. In a way I know how you feel. I lost my brother and struggled for years with alcohol and weed. I’ve been trying to get out of it for several months now, but slipping back. This time I’ve been sober for 5 days. Please keep sharing. I’m following your blog. Your sharing is a reminder that I’m not alone.

    • I appreciate your honesty and I am truly sorry for your loss. Stay strong and always remember why you do what you do. Be the change, friend. Thank you for your support.

  2. Hi Christopher,

    Thank you, for reading my blog. I am sorry to hear of you and your wife’s loss. However, I am so glad to hear that the two of you are still there for each other. The reality is most couples fall apart from each other when something like this happens in their lives. It’s nice to hear that although you have gone through some hard times (which is to be understood) that you hung in there for one another. That is pure love! It is wonderful to see that you use your blog for therapy and what a positive way to let it all out. Being able to be expressive and open is a good thing and allows you to get things off your chest. I wish you success as you continue in your healing. Yet, remember you are human, so one day at a time.

    • Thanks Cheryl, I appreciate your kind words. My wife is my anchor to the real world when I drift, my love, and my best friend. We have been through so much, that everyday problems are a breeze by comparison. Writing has always been a therapy for me I guess. The difference is that now I share that writing with the world. The truth is powerful – it helps me embrace my humanity.

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