Facets of You 4

If you are just joining us, please start with part one of this story https://cmkline.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/facets-of-you-part-1/

Due to lots of work, sickness, and various other proverbial irons in the fire, this part of the story is long overdue, and I thank you all for your patience. Working is not always fun, but when you are ill, it is even less so. In my job I often feel like Sisyphus, cursed to carry an immense bolder up a mountain just to watch it roll back down once I reach the top; a never ending sea of things I do not want to do. But like Sisyphus I find certain joy in my strife, mocking the gods with a defiant smile and a raised middle finger. This however is not always the case.

There is something that happens at work within me at times that I do not like, and I can only explain in theory. Not always, but sometimes I find myself internally justifying my position in life to people I have never met through some sick internal dialogue that is purely fictitious, and that would never actually happen. It usually goes something like, “yeah I know this job is beneath me, but I am trying to pay off some of my student loans so that I can finish my degree, etc…” I find this sort of feeling loathsome, but I cannot seem to shake the idea. I am pretty sure it is because I am a pretty smart guy, and this line of work is beneath me. Not to say that those who have such laborious jobs are incapable of something else, all I am saying is that it feels like settling for less.

I have always told myself that I would be happy in my life no matter what the cost. I spent more years than I would care to admit early on in life unhappy, and it was through that learning experience that I decided that there would be no other way to live. I know this seems like a simple concept, to live happily, but that begs the question: are you? Are you living a life of happiness, or are you settling for something, anything but what you truly want?

Since I left the west coast, I have tried to be exactly who I am, and since that day I have reached for the stars. For years I was the vocalist for a rock band. We travelled playing our music, recorded, drank, and did everything short of prostitution to make the dream of living as musicians a reality. Though that life was fun, it was not quite a fulfilling one–It lacked the continuity and gratification of accomplishment I was looking for. In the midst of that I found a career as a salesman, and a secretly aspiring writer. Selling I loved, writing I love, the politics I hated.

See, the underlying problem for me is that I am not conventional. I never have been, and those who have known me for any stretch of time can attest to this. I have a bad habit of pretending that I am, but the fact is I do not, nor have I ever fit into this photocopied, cog in the machine, 9 to 5 world. I am not lazy mind you. I love to work hard, I just want to work at building my own dreams not help someone else with theirs. That is why I justify my current life to people I have never met in my head; I am justifying it to myself. If I am that unsatisfied with the choices and circumstances that I am beholden to, I can change my path. I am not planted in the ground, and I am not a fucking tree.

You are what you aspire to be. I wish to be a writer, so a writer I am. As fulfilling and thought provoking a pastime writing is, it does not pay the bills. It is in some ways easier to become a professional musician than it is to become a professional writer. I am not talking about the hard-hitting journalist in the trenches, though it is an interesting line of work, it is not who I am. I am more of the anecdotal type of guy. This is a medium of self-exploration and of discovery. You see, I really only have ideas about who I am. I am as big a mystery to myself as a familiar acquaintance. This is my way of figuring it all out and you, my dear reader are witness to it all unfolding; my search for a genuine life without exception.